I have thought about writing a post like this for years. Every time a school shooting occurs, I know I need to put my thoughts to pen and paper, but it seems so overwhelming. I do wonder if my writers block comes from the fact that this SHOULD NOT be happening in our country. To give my age away, I remember coming home from school and having the TV on when Columbine happened. I was glued to the TV all evening and so worried about HOW that could happen. Follow that up with murmurs at our own school the weeks after, stating someone was going to replicate what happened there. We were all fearful of the unknown.
I remembering thinking, even then, SOMEONE will stop this from happening again, right?
As I write this, we are now faced with a bigger threat. One that is simultaneously affecting our entire nation’s children. Last week, the new administration announced their plans for mass deportations. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) will now go into schools, a place that has been touted as a haven of safety for children to learn, grow, and build community. Our children may witness their friends being taken or possibly be taken themselves. For those children with parents that have immigrated here (or to be honest are not White), they will be in fear every day at they show up to school. The social, emotional, and physical toll this will take on our classrooms is insurmountable.
I am once again wondering, WHO will stop this from happening?
Once I started seeing that ICE can enter schools, my heart sank. My own child attends a school where the families are predominately immigrants and/or non-White families. That is one of the reasons we chose this school. As a White male, it was important to us that his social, emotional, and educational foundation is rooted in equality, equity, and diversity, especially as White male. Our child is sweet, loving, and very empathetic. I wondered how would I talk to my preschooler about this?
Before we get into ideas, this is a sample of a letter I sent to his school. You can format this as you like, for your own needs. If you understand the policies, you may be able to communicate to your older children action steps being made by the school.
Dear [Name],
As a [teacher, parent, or community member] of [district name/school name], I am seeking guidance regarding what students and families can expect under the new presidential administration. I am concerned about the protection of [child’s name] and his/her, classmates, especially those who are part of our immigrant populations.
I ask you to provide responses to the following questions:
· Does [district name/school name] ask for immigration on families’ immigration status?
· Will [district name/school name] coordinate with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE)?
· Will [district name/school name] share student records with ICE? If so, under what circumstances?
· Will [district name/school name] allow ICE to enter district/school facilities? If so, under what circumstances?
I strongly believe that it is [district’s name/school’s name] responsibility to provide a quality education to all students, regardless of their immigration status. I hope that our district/school can take a stand to support our students and their families. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Sincerely,
[Your name]
While we are surrounded by the cruelty of others, how can we support our children to feel safe, loved, and use their voice? As we begin to support our children, please remember to check in with your own anxiety and fears. Children can feel what we feel, without us even having to use any words.
If you have not, you may want to think about a conversation about immigration. These points below can be interwoven in your conversations moving forward. I could not say this better than the humanitarian organization, Global Refuge.
Start by asking what they already know about immigrants and refugees. Emphasize that there are no right or wrong answers, and that every question is a good question. Find out what they’ve learned in school, through social media, and from friends—as well as whether the content of the YouTubers, gamers, and influencers they follow align with your views on topics like immigration.
Explain that refugees have the right to be here. Make sure your child knows that everyone has a legal right to seek safety in America if they are in danger.
Encourage empathy. Ask your child to consider why someone might need to flee their home. What reasons could cause someone to make such a difficult decision? How do you think that feels? At the same time, teach that empathy does not mean responsibility. While it is important to consider the feelings and safety of others, let your child know that feelings of empathy should not be attached to guilt or responsibility.
Remind them that immigrants and refugees are a part of their daily lives. They might be parents at school, teammates on the soccer team, nurses at their doctor’s office, or chefs at their favorite restaurant. This helps counter the “us vs. them” narrative and reminds children that we’re all part of one community.
Share your family’s immigration story or the story of someone they know. This personal connection can help children see that immigrants today are looking for the same safety and opportunities that generations of families have sought in America.
If you are people of faith, lean on your family’s beliefs to reinforce the importance of kindness. Reference teachings or scripture from your family’s faith or spiritual beliefs to reinforce values like hospitality and compassion. This provides a constant source of guidance and helps them understand why welcoming immigrants isa core part of their belief system.
Encourage your kids to take positive action. If a conversation becomes negative, let them know it’s okay to walk away. They should feel comfortable telling a trusted adult if they ever feel unsafe during a discussion or experience. Taking positive action can also mean showing kindness to classmates who look or speak differently, or those who come from different backgrounds.
So how do we TALK to our children about all of this? Here are some ideas, based on different developmental ages.
I will note as I write this, I am writing from the perspective as a White Cisgender female parent of my biological child. I am aware that my perspective may be very skewed in understanding the fears of families, not only in the immigrant population, but also families that are comprised of Black, Latinx, Asian, and other communities.
Preschool:
Our preschoolers may not truly understand what is happening. At this age, speaking about individual differences and family background is an important tool. We talk about family structure, different foods our friends eat, and languages in our house. My child is learning two languages, so that helps us increase our conversations about appreciation of others. My child talks about his skin being pink, compared to his friends. Make sure you have a lot of different books in your house that represent different cultures. If ICE does enter a preschool, it will be very confusing, partially because we tell them that law enforcement officers are “good” and their job is to “get the bad guys”. The nuance of what is happening can be very confusing. Reflect this to your child, and reference back to the guide above about immigration.
Elementary:
Children at this age may not hear the specifics of the ICE raids (unless exposed to the conversation by their parents/family members/older siblings), but they may notice their friends are more stressed. If you know your child is friends with children that may be affected, ask them how their friends are doing. Open the conversation with empathy. They may say their friend seems a little scared or quiet this week. You can talk about immigration status points above, or even talk about how some people in power feel only certain people should get certain things. Talking about sharing at this age is very relevant, for example “when playing basketball, someone people always want the ball and get all the shots. That feels really hard for those that don’t get the ball, right? In our country, many of us want that basketball to be shared with everyone.” Ask your child how they can support those around them. Again, make sure you have books that represent all different cultures and families in your home.
Middle School:
Your middle school will probably hear some murmurings of what is happening but may not truly understand. Allow your child to lead the conversation. They may come to you, or you may ask them if they have heard anything about changes in our country? Listen to what they have to say and validate their feelings. This is a wonderful time to talk about how to advocate for your friends and make sure they know you support them. You can also talk about ways to support the community individually or as a family.
High School:
If you are a parent of a high schooler, you already know this has been talked about at school. Let your child lead and ask what their friends are saying, specifically their friends of different backgrounds. Are their friends worried or stressed? How can they support their friends? I know a lot of families are talking to their high schoolers about distracting ICE agents, ex. Screaming, yelling, using white privilege…this is up to you and your family. At this age though, you can also take action at an advocacy stage. Research organizations in your area that you can support.
For all ages, allow your child to lead and receive what they are saying. They are trying to navigate and understand. The TikTok soundbite of “we listen and we don’t judge” is very important here. You can ask “what do you think about that”. When kids have questions about things, it is always okay to say “hmm, I am not sure how to answer that right now…can you give me a few minutes and we can talk more?”.
As mentioned above, these suggestions are from my 18 years as a therapist but do come from the perspective of a White Cisgender female. I encourage you to find those in other communities to educate from their perspective. My blog post about carrying on MLK’s legacy has some suggestions on creators to follow.
I read a Substack note today that read, “If you wanted teachers to stand aside and let ICE take their kids, maybe you shouldn’t have conditioned them to be willing to take a bullet for them.” Being a teacher, therapist, and mother are three of the greatest and most rewarding roles in my life. I am not afraid to stand up for the children, and I know many of my other educator and therapist friends feel the same way.
If you or your family are part of an immigrant community, please look at Informed Immigrant to know your rights and ways to protect yourself.
As we move forward in this time of uncertainty, remember to put your oxygen mask on first. We may seem some very heartbreaking images. Please read my other recent blog “How to Take Care of Yourself as A Parent When…” for some understanding of the nervous system’s response to trauma, and compound stress, and how to ground yourself, not only for those around you, but also for your own well-being.
I leave with this image. It demonstrates the “Golden Rule” is represented in all major religions. I apologize if one is not represented here. May we move forward with kindness, love, and action, because THAT is how we change the world for the better.

With love,
Dr. Sarah
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